WHY I HATE JESSICA SIMPSON

I have never met Jessica Simpson. Outside of direct quotes, the following is my opinion.

JESSICA SIMPSON

First of all, Jessica Simpson is NOT your friend. I’m talking to all the women out there who were duped by Denise Richards and are now being manipulated by the udderless cow, Jessica. She’s better than you and she knows it. The reason why I need to spout truth like this is simple. My wife, salt of the earth & free thinking beauty, has been using our DVR to record some dumb as balls reality show starring the before mentioned stout starlet. And I say starlet loosely. Loose... Like a hot dog down a hallway loose, okay?

This show, called “THE PRICE OF BEAUTY,” is all about the flesh covered Miss Piggy jumping from one country to the next and interviewing people so they can see what “other people” find beautiful.

For the record, in an interview for the March 2010 issue of Allure Magazine, Simpson said that she is looking for edgier, more intellectual roles.

Now I know, because when I’m on the radio it happens all the time, that I could go ON & ON & ON about how draining it is to have this program on in our house. Even if I’m doing laundry and I’m in a different room—I can still hear the sound of her cheeks flap when she talks to the camera. Since I am fully capable of rambling I have decided to let FACTS set most of this up.


WHY EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HATE JESSICA SIMPSON

By Joe Hipperson, the best talk show host that doesn’t have a real, full-time show…and should…because talk radio is boring. Back in 2008 Jessica Simpson sang for The Rape Crisis Center in Las Vegas, at The Palms' Pearl Theater. "I think this will be a more passionate performance than most," Simpson told the Las Vegas Review-Journal. "It's important to make a stand for women's rights. If I can get up there and be any inspiration to women, I am blessed to have that opportunity."


She went on...


"The great thing…is it's a message of prevention," says Simpson. "I think it's important as a woman to lend a hand to other women and just try to encourage people that everything's going to be okay." So Jessica is all about women’s rights. I’m sure that if I walked up to her and told her that all women should be subservient to the men in their lives she would grab a reporter and talk about how terrible my words of hate are. But wait…there’s more. Jessica Simpson is on the May cover of Marie Claire magazine…AND she’s sans makeup or retouching.

Holy Lord. See ladies, she’s just like you! No, wait a minute…she’s not. All she cares about is the paycheck from her damn TV show. Without it she can’t afford all the food! Or she can’t afford all the doctors to make her thin when she needs to be. But don’t worry, squirrel friends, she’ll be sure to look “ugly/normal” again. Right about the time when she needs “regular” women to watch her TV show.

CARE2, a dumb-ass women’s rights website actually said, “It may not be worthy of a Noble Peace Prize, but Simpson's move is bold, especially in an industry that cashes in on the perpetuation of unrealistic beauty standards. The cover, a simple shot of Simpson against a wall, shows the star with a slightly uncomfortable smile that betrays a hint of insecurity. It's all fitting for a woman who has publicly admitted to battling low self-esteem.”


Wow…isn’t she a f*ckin’ saint.


Wait, she’s a woman. Can women be saints? I can’t remember anymore. I know women aren’t allowed to get all the bonuses that the priests get…

Woah—got to stay on point. Keep to the message.

Jessica Simpson sucks.

And so do feminists, now that I think about it.

CARE2, the go-girl website went on to print this: “in a sell-out moment, Simspon gave in to the pressure of the record industry and traded in purity for a newer, more Irresistible image in 2001. Thinner and scantily-clad, Simpson tossed aside power ballads for breathy synthesized songs with naughtier lyrics.”

Sell out? How is she a sell out? Because she looked hot? Let me tell you all something that NO ONE HAS THE BALLS TO SAY. Seriously, sometimes my Dad tells me to remember that you have to crawl before you can walk. Well, Dad, I love you—but I’m going to run with this.


IF YOU ARE NOT SELLING OUT THEN YOU AIN’T SELLING SH*T! Yeah, I know that “ain’t” ain’t a word. But it sounded better. It had kind of a white-trash vibe to it. Kind of a Jessica Simpson vibe.

So let’s look at what I just said before we carry on and continue to prove why Jessica Simpson is the worst role model possible for women. “If you are not selling out then you ain’t selling sh*t.” I don’t think anyone in St. Louis media—and yes, I AM part of the St. Louis media (even though most media members think that’s BS)—would ever say that or admit to it. We love to throw stones at “sell-outs.”

Sell Outs are people that do what is needed in order to make something of themselves. If you don’t have natural, God given beauty and you decide to get surgery to make things better—are you a sell out?


Nope.


Can I back that one up?


Sure.


Am I going to right now?


Nope.


Now, back to Jessica Simpson. Isn’t it GREAT that she is on the cover of Marie Claire? Oh ladies, ladies, ladies…how great that she is showing you ALL that you don’t have to be touched up to be beautiful!


(imagine me on the top of a mountain with a giant megaphone, screaming)


BULLSH*T!


Jessica Simpson has her own line of perfume, handbags, shoes, dresses, swimwear, intimate apparel, coats, luggage, sunglasses, and accessories.


AND SHE SOLD OUT WHEN SHE BY BEING SKINNY?


Right. Hey, feminists, just because she’s uglier than she used to be it doesn’t mean that she’s not milking every single one of you for your last dime.


Think about it. She was super hot and skinny when she first came out…and she was loved by—TEENS…then, the teens become women in their EARLY 20’s…now, all of her fans have hit the magic time of MOTHERHOOD.


You think Jessica is the Messiah of women’s rights and feminism…or a marketing genius?


NOW ON TO THE PART THAT GETS ME FULL CIRCLE. If you don’t buy into my opinions on Jessica The Hutt then please, pretty please, read this next part twice.


Jessica is praised by feminists and recently said, “It's important to make a stand for women's rights.”


Yesterday, on the DVR, my wife was watching a recent episode of Jessica’s reality show, “The Price of Beauty.” In the episode, titled TOKYO, Jessica and her friend went to the Far East...and learned how to be Geishas. Jessica sat, dumbfounded, while she was told how important it is to serve the man who pays for their company. She became very nervous that she wouldn’t do a good job.

Did you hear that, feminists? I guess the only women Jessica cares about are WHITE AMERICAN WOMEN.

Yeah, I said it.

Why?

Because there’s another episode that my wife watched called UGANDA. In this one, Jessica travels to a very remote location, where she meets Judy; an ambassador from a tribe that introduces them to the philosophy that "fat" is beautiful for women. The Hima tribe values their women as they value their cattle, "the fatter, the better". Jessica meets an upcoming bride who has been preparing for her wedding in a "fattening hut" for over two months where she drinks milk and "ghee" until she becomes fat—because that’s what the man wants. What do you think happens to the woman, in this remote tribe, if she decides not to obey? Did Jessica speak to her about women’s rights? The right to have the body you want? No. Instead, she laughed and salivated at the idea of getting locked in a “fattening hut” for two months.

Again, unless the women are white Americans, Jessica will EXPLOIT the abuse of females all around the world—ALL FOR RATINGS and MONEY.

The bottom line is this: Jessica Simpson and her (latest) reality TV show is further proof that ‘causes’ for the betterment and equality of human beings should never stake their trust and message in celebrity idiots.


Ladies, Jessica Simpson hates you.